It’s been a month with a quiet mind. So, how’s it going?

Well, yesterday, I went mute for half an hour. I almost didn’t get to say good night to my son.

Don’t worry though, this morning, it was only about 15 minutes of silence.

What gives? Well, that is just what happens when my nervous system gets overwhelmed.

How do I get overwhelmed? Like all good things it all starts with a good night of sleep. You see I am chronically sleep deprived so a good night of sleep is somewhat of a shock to my system. I end up feeling jittery and out of sorts on mornings after a good night of sleep.

First up is a trip to the barber for my son. I wear my Loop earplugs because I know that this noisy environment will be an issue. After only about 10 minutes, we are all back in the car.

Next we go grocery shopping. This is an assault on both my visual and auditory senses. Normally I would plan ahead and bring my Sony noise canceling headphones, but we had made a last minute change to shop now and try to hit a playground later in the day due to cold weather. So back in go the Loops, and I keep my sunglasses on to help some with visual noise. It’s a lot, but we get home and I feel it has gone ok.

After putting away groceries and eating some lunch, I head out again, this time with headphones in hand. Now I am venturing forth to do some Christmas shopping. I spend the next several hours walking around the mall and various other stores (mostly to no avail). I notice as I do that I am extra “flappy” (stimming by flapping my hands and walking on my toes).

Then my son wakes up from his nap a bit late (because he got down late) and my wife and I meet back up at the mall so he can play indoors since it is now dark. My headphones help, but eventually the mall is wears at one’s soul. After a while, we decide to eat at the mall food court to give ourselves more time for his bath later. Fed, we finally head home with my son in my car, both because he wanted to and to give my wife a well deserved break.

And he is tired, and complaining, and asking questions, and generally being 3.5 years old. And about halfway home I suddenly realize… I can’t answer his most recent question. Or his next one. Or the dozen after that.

For the last 10 minutes of the drive home, I am completely mute.
And for the next 5 minutes it takes to get inside and settled (after gesturing to my wife so she understood my predicament).
And for the first 15 minutes while she is giving him a bath and I am laying on by bed in a dim room, trying to recover.
Finally I get to the point where I can whisper, and a few minutes later (once bath time is done) I go into the room and hug my son and tell him goodnight and that I love him.

Then I go back and lay down for another 20 minutes slowly reviving, before I go downstairs with my wife for some wind-down time in front of the TV.


This morning, as is often the case, I have a shorter period of silence towards the end of worship. I usually miss being able to sing the last song or two before the sermon. Church is just a busy place, and while I love my small group, socializing takes a lot out of me.

It always sneaks up on me, even when I know it is likely coming. I just hit some invisible line in the sand and… that’s that.

I do what I can to cope. I wear the Flare ear inserts pretty much every waking hour to minimize the long-term drain of the sounds of daily life (and especially the white noise at work). I wear the Loop ear plugs whenever I am around a PA system or a crowded room. These are both on my keychain as my EDC (every day carry).

Most days, I also carry around a backpack mostly just so that I can pull out the Sony headphones whenever I need actual silence, especially when multiple people are talking near me, or when I go to lunch or to the store.

I have multiple sets of sunglasses in various locations for ease of access, plus some tinted glasses for work. The only time I am not wearing some sort of filtering glass on my face is at home, where I often keep the lights a bit dimmer than my wife would prefer.

I have leaned into managing my sensory environment. It is what brought me the peace I needed to reduce anxiety. And that had been great (more on how in a moment).

But it is not enough.
At the end of the day, I am still Autistic.
I will probably always struggle with sensory overwhelm.

So I am leaning in to that knowledge too. I will do what I can. I will accept that it may not always be enough. Sometimes I won’t be able to talk. Sometimes I will have to opt out of events I know will hurt more than help. But I will do what I can, and live with the mess.

Life is worth living, even when messy.

And to not end on a down note: I have started to see benefits to the quiet mind, even if it didn’t solve all my problems. Specifically, I have been able to be much more present with my son and wife and help out more with the housework. My colleges have noticed that I smile more, and seem to have more energy (though that is possibly more to do with drinking caffeinated Diet Dr Pepper again).

It is enough to get on with, anyway.


For more reading on the topic of Autism: click here