I have been dealing with moderate Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) for some time now. It was a slow build over most of a year, and was largely masked by what I thought were low blood sugar (hypoglycemic) shakes. Turns out low blood sugar triggers an adrenal basically identical to like anxiety, so what I thought were ever increasing low blood sugars (even though not backed up by data) was actually slowly building anxiety.

The thing is, I didn’t feel any more anxious. Sure, I had a lot of life come my way over a relatively short period of time: single ➡️ dating ➡️ married ➡️ father in less than two years. I was tired all the time from playing with my toddler and trying to be a good husband, but that’s normal right? I had become a Senior Engineer at work in the same time period, and while I didn’t really sense added pressure from my leaders, I did expect more of myself.

Oh, and I found out (after 35 years) I am Autistic. This should not have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was, because something had to be. Over the six months following my Autistic self-identification, I felt like I was slowly coming apart. I was shaking from adrenaline almost all day, literally from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, unless I had exercised enough to “burn off” the adrenaline for a brief reprieve.

After my second emotional meltdown while cooking a meal, I decided I needed help. So I found a therapist who had experience with Autistic people like me. I was diagnosed with GAD and put on an anti-anxiety medication that (after several weeks of slowly titrating up to a full dose) got rid of the near constant shakes. This was a huge help, as that was really wearing on me, but it didn’t solve the underlying issues.

The last year of therapy has been an excruciatingly slow process as I have felt near burnout and not mentally or emotionally up for the more intensive EMDR therapy I need to process my early childhood traumas that are fueling my current anxiety. There have been some wins, however: I have gotten a ton better at moderating my sensory overstimulation issues. I have ruthlessly cut back on my responsibilities at work (with full support from my leaders) so that I am not feeling overwhelmed. I have found an Autism peer support group to feel less alone with my issues.

However, the constant just-under-the-surface feeling of anxiety has felt like a sand blaster slowly eating away at my soul. Additionally, recently I had heard that my day-to-day work environment may be changing in the near future, as the language I have written for the last 11 years is slowly phased out at our company. Without even realizing it, over the course of several months, heavy storm clouds slowly covered the sky above me, dimming the light.

Sad Blob from Zoloft Commercial

Luckily at a recent routine checkup, I was given a standard mental health survey that screens for both anxiety and depression. Unlike previous takings of this survey, my score for depression was nearly as high as for anxiety.

When I first starting taking anxiety medication, the doctor had asked if I wanted to take an SSRI that would also help with depression. At the time, I had said no, since I was not feeling depressed (as even the screening survey had indicated). Now the doctor asked again, and I gladly accepted the new prescription.

Wow, does this stuff work.

Literally the first day, after taking only half a pill (titrating up again) I felt a ton better. I immediately had a ton of energy, and a more positive outlook on the future.

Happy Blob from Zoloft Commercial

I also immediately had my sensory processing dialed to 11 for a couple days, which was wild to the point of being trippy. It was like a bad special effect in a movie: I walk into Target and immediately have to keep my eyes on the floor so I don’t read every product label in sight at the same time. Even my peripheral vision was enhanced, I was able to point out something my wife wanted behind me without looking up from the floor. After the wild ride of the first couple days, I settled in for a week or so of slowly decreasing light sensitivity issues, and then I was back to normal.

Now that I am stable, it has made such a difference on my life. I have been able to contribute more at work again (though I am careful not to slide back into over-committing). I have been able to pick up the slack at home, helping my wife more with the chores and our son than I have in months. We even were able to dig out of the mountains of boxes in our house and eat a meal at our dining table for the first time since we moved in 8 months ago.

I know I still have a long road ahead of me with EMDR and therapy, but I feel confident that I can move forward with that now, and make some real progress. I also know that I can hold on as long as I need to, instead of feeling like I am constantly riding the edge of burnout.

It is quite nice to have gotten the help I needed and be in a position where the future looks bright again.


PS: I am not actually on Zoloft, but I couldn’t help but think of this old commercial. It always felt cheesy when I saw it as a teen, but it is almost literally a night and day difference!

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