Time for another Autism Awareness/Acceptance month!

To celebrate, I want to talk about my experiences as an Autistic (and ADHD) person.

Lately, I have been leaning into managing my senory environment while also trying to enjoy life as much as possible.

An example of this has been wearing ear plugs and sunglasses during the worship service at church. This has helped me not to get overwhelmed as quickly, though I still often went mute by the last couple songs.

Recently I discovered that I could fix that last little bit of overstimulation by letting myself flap my hands. Yes, really. Hence, the joke title. But also, I own a shirt with that catchphrase: because of course I do.

I have been slowly working on giving myself permission to stim like this over the last 3 years since finding out I am Autistic, but it is so hard to fight against a lifetime of masking. No one wants to draw attention to themselves. Especially if you have been bullied as a kid. But if you are disabled, you need to do what you need to do for better quality of life.

What would I rather do, get weird looks while I actually finish the service still singing, or be forced to go quiet partway through because I didn’t want to draw attention?

It has been super nice the last couple of weeks to make it all the way through the service without losing my ability to speak & sing.

Similarly, I have been leaning hard into wearing my noise-cancelling headphones more often, especially when shopping or in a crowd.

I look absolutely ridiculous with dark sunglasses and chunky headphones, and I know it. But I feel so much better. And that matters, because I am a husband and father and need to be available for my wife and son vs spending all my time recovering from overstimulation after our weekly shopping trip.

Don’t get me wrong, I do still frequently have to take breaks to recover from overstimulation. But with the right preparation, these sessions are less frequent and shorter duration, allowing me to enjoy my family time more.

It is a weird feeling though. In many ways, I feel more disabled now than I did three years ago. But it is because I am finally realizing just how much work “normal” life takes.

I feel more confident, more free, more settled in my own skin.

I feel more alien than ever, and I have always felt like I didn’t belong in any group I have been a part of.

I feel grateful for the support of my wife and the acceptance of my friends.

I feel tired just thinking about the next week with family in town and a birthday party for my almost 4 year old.

I feel happy. Time to flap my hands.


For more reading on the topic of Autism: click here