The Thursday before Easter my wife, son, and I packed up and drove to Arkansas to visit her grandmother, who at 92 is currently losing her battle with cancer and on hospice care. This is a 7.5 hour drive, plus stops, and one we have made several times before. But this time was different.

I noticed as I was driving that I was getting more stressed by traffic than I usually do. I was more likely to want to pass people instead of being content to sit behind them. Oh, and my energy was obviously draining as the day wore on.

This is a new experience for me. I grew up in a family that road-tripped at least a dozen times a year to visit relatives and camp in national parks. Our most frequent trip was 8 hours plus stops, very similar to the Arkansas route, though in Washington and Oregon where I grew up. As an adult, I still enjoyed driving on long trips, especially late at night. Sure, you feel a bit tired after a day of travel, but that is true no matter what mode you are using.

But I had noticed a change on the previous trip to Arkansas a couple months ago. On that trip, it was mostly just that I felt a little more stressed from the traffic than usual, especially coming back. But I recovered fine and got back to work Monday, and everything was good.

This time was different though. We arrived at our hotel around 8 pm, and unloaded the car. We got our son to sleep and then got into bed ourselves. But when I woke up the next day, I felt as if I had not slept more than a few hours, and my sleep tracking app confirmed it was a rough night.

Friday we spent the morning and afternoon/evening at her grandmother’s house and I mostly sat outside entertaining our son as he played in the dirt. I didn’t have the energy to play with him as much as I normally would, though I did what I could. When we went back to the hotel for his nap, I stayed with him in the room and planned to catch up on my bible study for the week. But after only about 30 minutes of reading, I could barely keep my eyes open, and I ended up sleeping for an hour and half before my wife came to wake us both up. Normally I can’t nap for my life unless I am extremely sick (high fever, etc). That night was another one of tossing and turning.

Saturday we said our goodbyes and got back on the road home so we could attend Easter service at our church. This was an even rougher day for me, as I was started out tired and got worse from there. I don’t make great decisions when I am like this, so I ended up driving the whole way instead of letting my wife take some of the burden. We made good time back to Nashville and got to bed at a normal time.

Sunday started out better than I expected. I was tired, but not as deathly tired as I had expected. I got through Easter service, and then we headed to my in-laws’ house for lunch. Lunch itself went well, as did the Easter egg hunt.

While I was there, I was starting to feel some of my classic signs/symptoms of extreme stress. I heeded the warning and worked on limiting my engagement and activity, but I think it was just too late. As we were starting to pack up to leave the house, I suddenly and without much warning blew through my sensory overwhelm limit. Normally this would mean a shutdown for me. I would lose the ability to speak (or only simple yes/no style phrases) and stop being able to do more than follow someone around on autopilot.

Instead, I had what I would consider my first Autistic meltdown (in active memory, my childhood is hazy). I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to SPRINT out of my in-laws’ house (where to I have no idea, just out). Because I had a few seconds warning and was expecting a shutdown, I was able to modify this impulse into a more or less orderly exit. I made eye contact with my wife and said “I can’t handle this, I have to get out of here right now.” She has experience with my shutdowns and took over packing up and saying goodbye while I walked out of the house and sat in my quiet car with my eyes shut, waiting to calm down.

Goodbyes are always long in her family, so it was over 5 minutes before she came out and started loading our son in the car. It was enough time that I could come down a little and managed the drive home. I was speaking thankfully, but couldn’t explain (even to myself) what had set me off. We made it home and she put our son down for a nap.

My wife then went downstairs and I laid on my bed and just… stopped. I laid in one spot for about an hour, not able to even pick up my phone, but also not able to sleep. Finally I was able to sit up and drink some water, and after that I was able to move a bit and be on my phone for another hour of more “normal” recovery. After a little over two hours of solitary recovery, I was able to go downstairs and sit on the couch with my wife.

That was it for Sunday, but the trip and subsequent meltdown had taken a toll on me. I had been sleeping much better on my antidepressant the last month or so, but ever since Easter I have been sleeping terribly. My sleep has slowly been improving over the last few days, and I am hopeful I will be back to normal by next week or so.

It took multiple days to decide that it really was the driving on the trip that did me in. The traffic plus being in the car with an almost three year old was just too much for my senses. I built up a backlog of sensory overwhelm that has apparently taken over a week to slowly drain.

This was definitely made worse or more likely by the antidepressant I am on. As mentioned in other articles, I have been closer to sensory overwhelm constantly over the last couple months, with more frequent shutdowns. This was part of the reason I was semi-ready for my response.

But the meltdown hit much harder than a shutdown and was a very scary experience, if only due to the novelty. That desire to “elope” (run away) was so powerful, and I completely understand why Autistic kids who have fewer tools to deal with their sensory overwhelm run out of buildings and even sometimes into traffic to escape. It was a close call for me, honestly, and I both have practice dealing with overwhelm and had some warning that something was coming.

I have talked to my counselor about the experience, and I have some tips and strategies to try to reduce my day to day sensory overwhelm as well as trying to blunt the drain from travel. Hopefully it will be enough to prevent or at least mitigate future issues.

I am grateful to have read about other Autistic people’s experience with meltdowns so that I recognized what it was. It didn’t really prepare me for it (not sure anything but repeated experience can do that), but at least I wasn’t completely taken off guard.


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