So, the last few days at lunch I have been taking my usual walks without anything in my ears (because I basically have Flares or Loops or AirPods in my hears all day every day).

And then yesterday I decided to also try not wearing my sunglasses to see what “raw IRL” experience was like.

And it was a bit overwhelming. I had been noticing the extra audio stuff, but adding in the visual noise was intense.

I hadn’t realized just how much I have been helping (?) myself out with multiple layers of filters on my senses at basically every moment.

What follows is a slightly cleaned up transcript of a Voice Recording I made while I was on this walk (very stream of conscious, which is not how I normally write).

My thoughts as I walk through an unfiltered world:


Recording Starts

It’s interesting because a walk outside is a choice between either too much experience or enjoying the walk.

I usually have to focus on not seeing things, not hearing, filtering senses through sunglasses and headphones, and often listening to something distracting on the headphones, and not really looking at anything.

But obviously that’s hard to do all the time and probably not super healthy, so if I come out here with nothing in my ears and no sunglasses on then I get extreme sensory experiences:

If I allow myself to look (if I stop not looking) then..

I see everything:

  • I see all the cracks in the pavement individually.
  • I see the ridges in the asphalt around, each piece of loose gravel on top of it.
  • I see all the little bits of clover in the field, different leaves in the grass, every leaf on trees that I pass.

If I allow myself to hear (if I stop not hearing) then..

I hear everything:

  • I can hear multiple different kinds of insects and sometimes different individuals of the same type.
  • I can hear all the different birds around me.
  • I can hear the wind, and the traffic, and can pick out individual cars and trucks in the traffic.

On every step I constantly hear:

  • the gravel crunching under my feet
  • the coins in my pocket shifting
  • my anxiety medication clicking as moves around
  • the little danging zipper pulls bumping against my lunch box

And I can’t shut out any of it.

It’s either all or nothing.

So after only a few minutes I start to consider:

  • wearing headphones
  • or putting in earplugs
  • or putting on sunglasses
  • or just disassociating a bit…

I consider just saying “I’m not going to experience that sense right now” because the alternative is just fully immersive.

I don’t know if it’s exhausting or what.

It can be nice.

I feel very connected when I allow myself to experience the things.

It’s just not free: it takes quite a bit of energy. So if I want to relax, and I want to just walk at lunch as exercise, I have to shut everything out.

And I legitimately don’t know which is the better option…

Recording Ends


A few clarifying comments after that recording…

This level of detail is unfortunately my (unfiltered) norm, not merely a result of over-sensitizing myself through lack of input. If I do nothing to filter or distract my senses, I get this firehose of data through every sense.

After all these years I am… “used to” it? I guess? At least in small doses.

But I am also very used to (from early childhood!):

  • slightly unfocusing my eyes so I can take a break from “seeing” things
  • always listening to something to distract my hearing
  • getting so lost in a book that the whole world falls away and I forget to eat/pee much less hear everything happening around me
  • when all else fails: simply dissociating (retreating from the world into either my mind/imagination or numbness)

Since finding out I am Autistic a couple years ago and working with a therapist for the last year and a half, I have drastically upgraded my life with sensory filters.

My EDC (Every Day Carry) now includes:

  • Flare Audio: Calmer ear filters
  • Loop: Quiet ear plugs
  • Sunglasses (recently got my first pair of Goodr, but anything polarized & UV blocking works)
  • (at work) Lightly tinted but non-polarized glasses (too heavy of a tint or polarization bothers me while on the computer all day)



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